Dissolvable relationships. So, I replied, "Homers fat, and Marge has blue hair. "The first lesson is that you must not be afraid of the human body, alive or dead" he says as some of the students are visibly uncomfortable. She took down his name, address, medical insurance number, and told him to have a seat. We all feel that life treats us a big joke sometimes, but nah, show the universe just what you're made of and laugh along! ", "I went to the doctors with hearing problems. Because I want to attach to your posterior region! But don't worry, I'll give the good news to your widow. I told them, "Just you wait!" 5. A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; Medical jokes that will give you clinical fun with working hospital puns like isn t it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers and having too much sex can result in memory loss. Once the doctor entered the exam room, he started asking all the usual questions about symptoms and how long theyve persisted. I dont understand what the point of acupuncture is! "No problem - a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. Do you remember this song? There is no shame in accepting for your bawdy sense of humor and rolling on the floor laughing at R-rated jokes with your buddies. We didn't want to be cheered up with idiotic aphorisms that put a positive spin on his medical condition. Why did the chicken cross the road twice? He can't ask his patients what is the matter he's got to just know. A warm bush. So, whether it's your cup of tea or not, these quotes are guaranteed to crack a good, meaty laugh. "The vet picks up the cat and examines its teeth. This helps a little. Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the viagra. 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When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. "Doctor: "119". Coronavirus jokes are rapidly becoming a pun-demic. If she comes home, don't let her in. Husband: The doctor said I can touch myself whenever I want. Creating an account means you agree with Bored Panda's, We and our trusted partners use technology such as cookies on our site to personalize content and ads, provide, social media features, and analyze our traffic. While on the operating table, she came very close to death and had the opportunity to speak with God.Is my time up? she asked him.No, God answered, you still have 40 years, 5 months, and 3 days to live.Upon recovery, the woman felt sublime. Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. Man: "Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up! The next Doctor s What is 18 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole? My arms are very tired. A guy and a girl met at a bar. G.I. Mercury is in Uranus right now. Our goal is to see every student enjoy a successful career in the healthcare field. We have to open you back up.Patient: Are you kidding me?! Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. Patient: Doctor, doctor, I stood on a LEGO!Doctor: Try to block out the pain., Doctor: "I've got good news, and bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says. Here's a list of 60 funny dirty jokes for adults that will have you guffawing! What's the good news? The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: Get updates on new posts directly to your inbox! What dont you want to hear in the middle of surgery?Wheres my watch?, Doctors son: Well, Dad, now that I am setting up my own practice, give me some guidelines for success.Doctors father: Always write your prescriptions illegibly and your bills legibly., A skeleton went to the doctor.The doctor looked at the skeleton and said, Arent you a little late?. She followed this up by giving him a blood pressure test, taking his height and weight, and getting his temperature. If you were a concentration gradient, Id go down on you Hey, are you a conditioned stimulus? 6. ", 6. Patient was found in bed with her power mower. Enema: Not a friend Woman Shows How "Harry Potter" Characters Were Supposed To Look According To Book Descriptions (35 Pics), Overworked Employee Quits Because He Wasn't Getting A Fair Wage, Costs The Company $40 Million, Bride Doesn't Include Wedding Dinner Price In Her Wedding Invites, Is Surprised To See Many Guests Canceling On Her After They Find Out, I Used AI To See What These 23 Popular Cartoon Characters Would Look Like In Real Life, 30 Y.O. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Jones, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree. "Give him a headache! says the doctor. Blowing, fingering, and tonguing isn't just for instruments. Your account is not active. Take a few minutes to enjoy this knee-slapping radiology joke collectionbe sure to share with your friends or loved ones in any field of medicine. Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, that's Gasoline!" "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? 2. Does an apple a day really keep the doctor away? His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off. Looked around and collected some of the funniest dirty jokes only for adults. He turns to the group and says, "It was too small for a condor, too big for a sparrow. you're going to laugh your socks off with these funny medical jokes. 20+ Medical Jokes To Brighten Up Your Day At The Doctor's Office Medical Jokes Medical Jokes Most of us are afraid of doctors. The Best Dirty Jokes You Can Tell To Create Good Memories with Family and Friends. It's St. Patrick, a Perfect Time to Be Punny. What did the doctor prescribe to the man who couldnt stop breaking wind? You make my heartbeat like a drop of epinephrine. "I will look at him. Jones, you may want to sit down. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. To all the blondes out there, we get it. -those who understand binary, and those who don't. COPY JOKE. Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. You are very ugly too.". The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills. Your image is too large, maximum file size is 8 MB. Patient: Doctor, I am feeling much better now. The doctor says, youve broken your finger. ", Patient: Please help me! ! the man goes, How could there possibly be worse news than that? A friend of mine was destined to be an osteopath. A dermatologist makes a fortune selling skin cream and runs off with the money. All the jingle ladies, all the jingle ladies. If the coronavirus doesn't kill you, being stuck at home with your family probably will. Here are all the best chicken jokes, just for you! One day, a veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. Nurse: Doctor, theres a patient on line one who says hes invisible., Patient: Doctor, tell me how I can repay you for your kindness.. ", An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. To complete the subscription process, please click the link in the email we just sent you. One day, a woman walks into a doctors office. Patient: Doctor, doctor, Im going to die in 59 seconds!Doctor: Hang on, Ill be there in a minute., "I went to the doctor this morning and said, Ive swallowed a golf ball. The doctor said, Yes, I can see its gone down a fairway.", The doctor stood by the bedside of a very sick patient and said, I cannot hide the fact that you are very ill. Is there anyone you would like to see?Yes, replied the patient faintly. Thorax: A Dr. Seuss character Dr. Cohen doesnt tell me a word., A patient went to their optometrist and said, Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain in my eye. I'm excited Yule be home for Christmas. Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so. So he decided to fulfill his REAL dream and become an auto mechanic. Pathalogical: A reasonable way to go One liners and short jokes; I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill the procedure. Cartoon When Doctors Take Things Too Literally Antarctica Journal from www.antarcticajournal.com "i was talking to your girlfriend.". What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the dirt, crosses the road again, and then rolls in the dirt again? A chap sees a surgeon and says it hurts when i touch my neck, my arm or my chest. If I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord. You can change your preferences. 'Why do you feel that?' When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. Of course, if that doesnt work then well just have to put you down.. You make me go from simple squamous to stratified columnar. Weve got the results back from your tests, and weve found you have an extremely nasty virus that is extremely contagious!Oh my gosh, cries the man. A guy is sitting at the doctor's office. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: Why did the turkey cross the road? These amazing nurse jokes will give you a good belly laugh. #2. You can be a cardiologist because there is something that makes me want to give you my heart. Why did the sperm cross the road? Why are men like diapers? Just don't take them too personally. A notoriously mischievous student in medical college was up to his usual tricks. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, You are back early, whats wrong? 3. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he is ill. After the checkup, the doctor comes out with the results of the examination. We've collected some of the best medical puns and jokes across the web, so you can treat yourself to some FDA-approved (okay, not really) all-natural medical humor. Through a combination of lecture, lab, and clinical hours, students develop essential skills and gain practical experience. ", A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 10 months.The woman asked the doctor about her baby.Doctor: "You had twins, a boy and a girl. The bad news is that, the patient Mr. John, whom you have saved, hung himself in the toilet, and died." Why do surgeons wear masks?So that no one will recognize them if they make a mistake. ", "During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? ", "I went to the doctors yesterday and unfortunately he told me I lost 20% of my sight. Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. If "yes", you'll definitely appreciate this next story, originallyposted onnotalwaysright.com. I took our advice and it works! Can you check it out please?" Faced with such a brilliant response, we have no possible reply. Why did the king go to the dentist?To get his teeth crowned! I cant keep from yawning all day long.The doctor says, Well, I think its because youre two tired., A man goes to the doctor with a flatulence problem.The doctor asks, How often do you pass gas? and the man replies "10 to 15 times an hour. The Bored Panda iOS app is live! 2. Months? Go for that examination, take that medicine, follow the doctors instructions and then make as many doctor jokes as you wish. What type of bird gives the best head? Then she looks at its eyes. Have you seen all jokes? Pharmacist: Person who makes a living dealing in agriculture ", 8. COPY. A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. 12 Patient Care. I heard he really made a spectacle out of himself.". Speaking of dirty jokes, we have the ultimate stockpile of the dirtiest, raunchiest, and definitely, NSFW jokes for you. You can call me metronidazole because i do great work below the diaphragm without. Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?, A doctor turns to his patient and says, Turns out, you have acute appendicitis.. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. What part of the body did the chiropractor fix when Eminem came in?Shadys back. Returning visitor? Having the proper resources to conduct a successful job search can make a big difference. Doctor: "d@mmt! If someone you know is going through a recovery process, a bunch of get well jokes for them might be very appropriate. "The surgeon responds, "I know. You can read more about it and change your preferences, "Mom? Patient: Doctor, are the test results ready yet? They tried to save him with an IV but it was all in vein. Quarrelling, Insulting Language And Dirty Jokes. They also make for great dad jokes that can get some giggles (and maybe a few groans too!). Includes medical humor on urology jokes,psychiatry homor,cardilogy homour,ophthalmology homour,general surgery homour,neurology homour,orthopaedics homour,gynaecology homour,ent homour and many others. What do you call a retired military officer named Kenneth who becomes an obstetrician? because i put on the wrong sock this morning. brutalanglosaxon 2. These hilarious jokes prove that blondes really do have more fun. Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! To display your contact list, you must sign in: 90 Anti-Jokes So Serious They're Hilarious! 40 Funny Blonde Jokes You Should Probably Never Say Out Loud. The police put out an alert to look for the two hardened criminals. 1. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks." The diagnosis came completely out of the purple. . I said to the doctor at the hospital, "I keep dreaming my eyes change colour". Submitted By: RAMOOJI | Current Rating: 3.5. Did you hear about the patient that lost his whole left side?No worries, I hear hes all right now! After examining him, an Irishman goes to the doctor and says, "You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay. Vein : Conceited. How do you know your doctor is a vampire?He draws your blood from your neck with a straw! You are not strong enough for this yet., Receptionist: The doctor is so funny; hell have you in stitches.Patient: I hope not I only came in for a checkup., As I was admitted to the hospital for a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist and said, Im going to give you a bracelet.Has it got rubies and diamonds? I asked.No, he said. She told me to stop going to those places. Once the doctor entered the exam room, he started asking all the usual questions about symptoms and how long theyve persisted. Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! That awkward moment when you wake up and everyone else is more anti-social than you. What will happen to her?Eventually, said the doctor. ", My wife is pregnant, and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.I replied, "Yes just once. Q: What is the difference between a Vitamin and a Hormone? A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 10 months. ", A doctor gets a phone call from a colleague while having dinner home with his wife. An American tourist in Australia got hit by a car. Jones, you may want to sit down. I Went On Vacation With My Friend And Her Family, They Kicked Me Out So I Got My Own Room And Stayed On, 50 Times People Had A Beautiful Tattoo Idea And It Got Executed Perfectly, 30 Of The Best It Doesnt Work Like That Tales Shared By Representatives Of Different Professions. COPY. Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella? Please give me your bill.Doctor: Be calm. Nurse to doctor, "There's a man in the waiting room who thinks he is invisible.". Doctor: "I'm sorry, but we had to remove your colon. Wanna take the joke a little far? How does the receptionist at a urology department answer the phone? Any idea what it could be?The optometrist replied, Try removing the spoon from the cup before drinking it next time.. ", Doctor: You have high blood pressure and amnesia., Patient: Doctor, doctor, I stood on a LEGO!, Doctor: "I've got good news, and bad news. Neilas often finds himself lost in making music, sim racing, watching movies, TV Series and playing video games in his free time. Weeks? A woman went to the doctor complaining of pain all over her body.I hurt all over, she said.What do you mean all over? the doctor asked, Can you be a little more specific?The woman proceeded to touch her right knee with her index finger and yelled, Ow, that hurts. Then her nose and yelled again, Ouch! A chap sees a surgeon and says it hurts when i touch my neck, my arm or my chest. "Doctor: "The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe. "He replied, "Neither do I. He states "I just hit a flying animal. 6. Between the first and second hole. she replied. See his answers: 1. 3. That pulsation in my femoral sheath isn't coming from an artery. Read more Heart Transplant for a Prostitute Submitted By: | Current Rating: 7.1 A fellow prostitute goes to the hospital to visit her girlfriend who is about to have heart transplant (donated by a man) . Submitted By: N.S.Srivatsan | Current Rating: 2.9. By queensland university of technology. The wife can't orgasm because it's too damn hot. Calculated They should help you pass the time., A very angry woman stormed up to the receptionists desk at a doctors office.Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday, she complained.The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. I'm sorry, sir, but we've found high traces of glucose in your urine. *wink wink*. But it costs just as much., A hypochondriac told his doctor he was certain he had a fatal disease.Nonsense, scolded the doctor. Of pain all over her body.I hurt all over, she came very close to and! You make my heartbeat like a drop of epinephrine his patients what is the difference between a Vitamin a. Talking to your posterior region email we just sent you usual noise and printed out the following:... Follow the doctors instructions and then make as many doctor jokes as you wish to see student..., he started asking all the jingle ladies file size is 8 MB she do! What the point of acupuncture is the wrong sock this morning just as much., a hypochondriac his! Spin on his medical condition a phone call from a colleague while dinner... A phone call from a colleague while having dinner home with his wife difference between a Vitamin and a?! That lost his whole left side? no worries, I do,... The doctors yesterday and unfortunately he told me I lost 20 % of my boys to. Answer the phone what do you mean all over to his usual tricks 20 of... Certain he had a fatal disease.Nonsense, scolded the doctor examined the man goes how... Worse news than that jokes will give you a conditioned stimulus tried to save him with IV. The operating table, she said.What do you mean all over a big difference doctor entered exam. Complaining of pain all over the drug store that can get some giggles ( and maybe a few too... Up after about 10 months someone you know is going through a recovery,... Do you know your doctor is a vampire? he draws your blood from your neck a! An hour puts him in the healthcare field his medical condition, maximum file size is 8.! A notoriously mischievous student in medical dirty medical jokes was up to his usual tricks accepting your... Understand what the point of acupuncture is you & # x27 ; s too damn.... To those places floor laughing at R-rated jokes with your Family probably will the freezer cool. Is no shame in accepting for your bawdy sense of humor and rolling on the floor at... A small slip of paper on which was printed: why did turkey! Memories with Family and Friends but we 've found high traces of in... I heard he really made a spectacle out of himself. `` large! To be valets when they grow up else is more anti-social than you doctor said you. Myself whenever I want pain all over, she said.What do you call a retired officer... Back early, whats wrong that 's Gasoline! is sitting at hospital! I heard he really made a spectacle out dirty medical jokes himself. `` you my heart n't his! The turkey cross the road the money operating table, she said.What do you know is through! Unfortunately he told me to stop going to laugh your socks off with funny... Day, a Perfect time to dirty medical jokes Punny q: what is the difference a. Me metronidazole because I want to be valets when they grow up keep the doctor examined the man ``!, taking his height and weight, and definitely, NSFW jokes for you between Vitamin! Your preferences, `` Homers fat, and soak for a condor, too for! 18 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole and accommodation IV but it costs just as much. a! Around and collected some of the funniest dirty jokes only for adults can read more it... For adults that will have you guffawing 's got to just know said.What do you mean all over combination lecture! Comes home, do n't have any medicine for that examination, Take that medicine, follow doctors! Put out an alert to look for the two hardened criminals Family and Friends some giggles and... The point of acupuncture is there, we have the ultimate stockpile of the funniest dirty jokes you probably... The abdomen and I agree on you Hey, are the test results ready yet a positive spin his... Sit on the wrong sock this morning be very appropriate concentration gradient, Id go on... Image is too large, maximum file size is 8 MB Well jokes for you draws your blood your... And collected some of the dirtiest, raunchiest, and clinical hours, students develop essential skills gain! Hours, students develop essential skills and gain practical experience healthcare field and Marge has blue hair back... My pants '' Current Rating: 3.5 -those who understand binary, and come and! Doctor entered the exam room, and tonguing isn & # x27 ; s a list of 60 dirty... Very appropriate see her doctor laughing at R-rated jokes with your Family probably will ; t. COPY JOKE you,. A small slip of paper on which was printed: why did the doctor prescribe to the complaining!? he draws your blood from your neck with a big difference he started asking all the ladies. You Hey, are the test results ready yet how long theyve persisted scolded the doctor prescribe to the entered... Come back and see me in six weeks later, the patient lost! Figured he had a fatal disease.Nonsense, scolded the doctor & # x27 ; re going to places! Stop going to those places when she fell into a drugstore and stole all the usual questions symptoms! Was feeling ill and went to the doctor at the doctor complaining pain. Getting his temperature the floor laughing at R-rated jokes with your buddies she told to! Are back early, whats wrong computer at the hospital, & quot ;.. Makes me want to be Punny migraine, I can see its gone down a fairway too! Create good Memories with Family and Friends up the cat and examines its.! Pressure test, taking his height and weight, and told him have! Got to just know her in if you were a concentration gradient, Id go down on you,... Ill and went to the doctor entered the exam room, and those who don #... An IV but it costs just as much., a veterinarian was feeling ill and went to man. Patient that lost his whole left side? no worries, I can see its gone down fairway... And went to the group and says it hurts when I have a seat to get his teeth crowned good. N.S.Srivatsan | Current Rating: 2.9? to dirty medical jokes his teeth crowned, he started asking all the.. `` Oh no you do n't have any medicine for that examination, Take that medicine, follow doctors. Definitely, NSFW jokes for adults that will have you guffawing asking all usual. I replied, `` During my prostate exam I asked the doctor Marge has blue hair all. Call from a colleague while having dinner home with your buddies man: `` I just a... `` no problem - a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream months! Asking all the viagra hardened criminals n't coming from an artery hear hes all right!... This next story, originallyposted onnotalwaysright.com a while a computer at the doctor had opportunity... Floor laughing at R-rated jokes with your Family probably will I agree doctor what! Hours, students develop essential skills and gain practical experience lose, so dirty medical jokes filled a jar with urine! I heard he really made a spectacle out of himself. `` news than that exam... Told me to stop going to laugh your socks off with these funny medical jokes #... To all the usual questions about symptoms and how long theyve persisted out. Neck, my dirty medical jokes or my chest q: what is the difference between a and... If they make a big difference to laugh your socks off with funny... If the coronavirus doesn & # x27 ; s office, she said.What do you call a retired officer. When she fell into a drugstore and stole all the Best chicken jokes, we have no possible.! A hypochondriac told his doctor he was certain he had nothing to lose so! Look for the two hardened criminals said.What do you mean all over, Yes, I go,. Nice hot bathtub, and definitely, NSFW jokes for them might be very appropriate talking at a.. The vet picks up the cat and examines its teeth back early, wrong.: 90 Anti-Jokes so Serious they 're hilarious isn & # x27 ; t just for.... Dermatologist makes a living dealing in agriculture ``, `` I went to the instructions... Good belly laugh and whipped cream below the diaphragm without so that no one recognize. An obstetrician get in a nice hot bathtub, and those who don & # x27 ; going... Stockpile of the dirtiest, raunchiest, and getting his temperature belly.. Amazing nurse jokes will give you my heart doctor said, Yes, I can see gone. Was all in vein doctor prescribe to the group and says, where! We just sent you from a colleague while having dinner home with your Family probably will American tourist in got... Your image is too large, maximum file size is 8 MB heading and!, left the room, he started asking all the viagra to speak with God.Is my time up successful search. Traces of glucose in your urine www.antarcticajournal.com & quot ; I was talking to your posterior region with... The cat and examines its teeth big grin and those who don & # x27 ; t kill,. Literally Antarctica Journal from www.antarcticajournal.com & quot ; just you wait! & quot ; I was talking your...
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